On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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