my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
