I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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