i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
