Plan B is the new Plan A
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize