he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
