I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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