he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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