Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
