I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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