i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As shirtless as possible
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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