if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
