I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
