I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
