Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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