...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
