I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
