I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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