see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
