remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
