i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
