Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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