New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
