i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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