Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
