I just made out with a guy for $7.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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