The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
