hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sex in a hospital.. check
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
