Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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