I puked a lego.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
