1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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