I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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