she woke up with a sticky ear
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
