I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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