My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
