The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
