Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My pussy is not your playground.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
