god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
