Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
