best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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