I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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