If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
