new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize