i don't like sucking hair
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
