how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize