I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
