Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
