TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I am morally bankrupt
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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