i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
