Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You pole danced in your parka.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
