he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i dont even know how to be here
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
