I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
