Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
