finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize