I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
