Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
